ＤＥＣＯＮＳＴＲＵＣＴ.

We spend all night unraveling into old vices.

Cigarettes indoors

Alcohol to deaden the sharp acid in my soul

This has been coming for so long

So why does it feel like I'm pulling the stitches that hold me together and tearing my whole body apart- blowing me up into a billion little pieces of dust and stars and the salt in my tears

I can't be here a second longer

But I don't want to leave

My body and eyes are swollen with grief

I finger the memories

Studying each

We spent so long building

Polishing

Refining

Just to give up?

This is the end of this story

Can't I just skip this part?

I feel my buffet of options.

Numb out, be busy, work out.

Or unravel into this tragedy

Give my body fully to sorrow

Sacrifice and surrender what's left if this story

Let my pain drown us out of my body

Suffocate all that kept me shackled to our potential

My ego fights screaming

Tearing at me

Pleading

It snarls fear at me

It hates change

And I have to hold it through this pain

Though what it’s claiming is deranged

.

I have spent the past day wondering what I should pick.

Whether to get REALLY busy and dull this out until I’ve moved out and have some distance between this life and my next one.

We've been together for almost 4 years.

But I am committed to this break up being different than the last.

I want to be here for it.

Receive the pain fully and wear it publicly with no shame or downplaying.

I won't hide it from you.

And I hope it will be of service if you are ever in pain.

If you are ever trying to choose between trusting your ability to handle all that pain inside you or numbing out, getting busy, avoiding yourself.

And to be honest with you, it’s easier for me to lean into this pain if I can offer it as service.

So thank you for your support and encouragement and for being here and for reading this.

To everyone whose heart is breaking (and to all the rest) I love you too.