𝘖𝘕 𝘉𝘓𝘈𝘔𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘖𝘜𝘙 𝘗𝘈𝘙𝘛𝘕𝘌𝘙𝘚 & 𝘓𝘖𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘚
Sometimes people are so fucking sure it’s the other person.
When they’re mad at them and the feeling is so real in their bodies.
But what you may be unaware of is how deep some wounds go.
How unconsciously they were stored in your bones.
How a person can make a decision to feel something or not to feel something, to share something, or not share something, and it can affect a relationship for decades.
The intention can be kind. To protect someone from how you really feel, it can feel kind. To protect them from what you did in a moment of desperate flailing, or fear, as you tried to hide your true complete self from them.
These internal choices can impact your lives with others and eventually have you feel like you need your partner to take some of the blame, to take some of the weight off of your shoulders.
I found that many times in a relationship - when I see one partner blaming the other partner it is an aggressive and desperate attempt to ask for help.
It’s not effective, because it puts the other person on the defensive instead of on your team. But the plea is there, loud and unclear.
The beauty of human relationships is not obvious.
It’s not obvious at all. It lies in transparency. In offering our mistakes up to the people around us because they are true and they are part of our journey.
But people are so afraid of failure. Of pain. Even though they survive it over and over again.
You may choose to lie to those you love so they won’t leave you.
But there is an unseen price. One that causes wounds. Scar tissue. Inside of you. Inside of your relationships.
Lying to someone when you feel you’ve f’d up, communicates to your reality- “You, as you are, are not lovable. Pretend to be someone else. Someone who doesn’t mess up like you did. Lie and save yourself. Save them. Save what you have. You’ll never do it again. Promise. We’ll be perfect next time.”
The sad thing is, nothing is truly a mistake. It’s all a communication. From your unconscious (or conscious).
If you find yourself doing things “out of character” for you, whether that be cheating, lying, being shady- these actions are a communication. Something has happened. Something is acting out and wants your attention. Maybe you know what it is, maybe you have NO damn idea.
Perfectionism drives this logic. This rigid, sparkly, quality most pined for in society.
I see it ringing humans dry over and over again. Suffocating relationships. Whipping good people into a bad place. Turning them against each other in confusion. Turning them against themselves.
You see, your mind might convince you that lying is what keeps your partner from leaving you when you fuck up. But it’s the opposite.
Feeling totally seen. Feeling absolutely adored. Feeling complete liberation, having epic sex, mastering vulnerability, being blown away by the depth of forgiveness and compassion in a long term relationship, it all comes from courage and from transparency.
How can you feel completely adored, seen, and accepted if you won’t show yourself?
The communication to yourself that you can only be loved and unabandoned if you are perfect and never make mistakes, or you must hide and lie, creates a wound. It nestles deep in your emotional scar tissue- layering thickly every time you get more evidence that you f’d up, you need to hide it, or else you won't be loved.
Until your relationships feel disconnected. Until you can barely feel your intuition. Until you are so far away from yourself that you can’t make decisions, think clearly, decide where you want to go, or even what you want to change.
Living in a meritocracy, where most are told only those who are “good” at things, those who are “perfect”, or those who follow directions perfectly and do what they are told, are rewarded, is a true and utter brain fuck.
Humans are more than this. They are polarities. They can and most likely will experience every delicate fluctuation between every opposing force in their lives. The good the bad. Success and failure. Greed and generosity. Hunger and fullness.
Motivation and Laziness.
Both sides of each pole are perfect. They define each other.
They create each other. And humans cannot omit one from the other.
It is nature.
What a person can do is become aware. Master grace. They can choose how they will receive the lessons from both the good and the bad. They can practice. They can embrace.
How we digest what comes our way gives us power in powerless circumstances.
There is a Spanish saying I share with you often, “Guerra avisada no mata gente”.
It means - if you know a war is coming, no one has to die.
If you know that you will inevitably fuck up again one day, if you know the cost of lying to yourself to others, if you know you'll likely fail again at SOMETHING... can you choose BEFORE it happens how you’d like to handle it?
Can you invite it in? Relish in it?
Can you slow things down, sit with it, savor it?
Choose before you're triggered what you’d like to learn from it...
So when that lesson arrives on your doorstep, you can welcome it in with curiosity and courage.