𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗗𝗘𝗣𝗥𝗘𝗖𝗜𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗩𝗔𝗟𝗨𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗢𝗨𝗥 𝗦𝗘𝗫 𝗟𝗜𝗩𝗘𝗦: 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗧 𝟭 🧐
Many have felt the sharp rejection of being in a relationship where your partner doesn’t want as much sex as you do.
Though this might not be an issue if it happens situationally like for example, one of you gets laid off and isn’t feeling especially sexy for a few months. Over the span of a decade or more, the effects of mismatched libidos can take a very heavy toll on relationships. Many feel cornered into choosing to either adjust to no sex, or break up, or get needs met creatively.
Maybe your partner is fine with sex once a week…
Once a month…
Once a year…
And you want it every single day.
In my profession, I get the unique opportunity to see it all. All combinations of libidos trucking along with everyday life.
Everyone handles this differently.
Some attack their partner, some attack themselves, some internalize it and numb-out, some cheat, some develop a porn addiction…and there are oh so many other ways…
I don’t fully blame any individual for using these protest behaviors. Mainly because there is no middle school guidebook on your brain, anatomy, and how to navigate yourself sexually with a long term consenting partner whilst juggling the grueling reality of being an adult and potential parent.
You weren’t to blame as a child, teen, or young adult for not knowing how to navigate this.
But you are responsible for teaching yourself from here on out how to navigate and create the sex/love life you want.
Almost 100% of the couples I see who are sexless or whose sex lives have unexpectedly frozen or teetered out have experienced this because at some point or another in their relationship figuring out and communicating their desires or turn-ons just felt too hard.
For some, communicating our sexual desires with a partner can feel like stabbing your loved one in the eyeball repeatedly with a carrot in the hopes of one day having the sex you want.
Not only are you most likely unpracticed in confidently verbalizing all of your sexual desires, but you are also most likely hyper-aware of their response as you share it (all adding up to an extremely uncomfortable exchange).
Not to mention, if your partner has not done a lot of work on their own sexual desires (like most of the world), their response might be a difficult one.
They might take it personally in a number of ways.
They could think/say:
“I could never be that or do that.”
“Am I not enough for you?”
“I never said I would do that before we married.”
“There is something wrong with you.”
“There is something wrong with me.”
“I’ll never be enough.”
It may feel like too much effort to communicate shame riddled desires to your loving partner who feels like your desires are a personal attack on what they aren’t providing you with.
I say “shame riddled” desires because most of us are introduced to our sexuality quite young and get no real-time guidance on navigating it. We start experiencing and getting sexually curious as early as 8-11 years old. We then have to hide it from our parents, from our teachers, and from most of our peers because it’s seen as naughty, forbidden, wrong, in some places evil. All of which internalizes in your body as muscle memory, as shame.
When I see couples not having sex with each other, most of the time, they have never had the opportunity to figure out what they want for their sex life. Let alone with a long term partner.
Pain in this situation usually results from the paralyzing effect of not knowing WHAT you actually want, let alone how to communicate it. It also results from not knowing the solution for feeling sexually out of sync with your partner, not knowing what we want, not knowing what they want, or if your partners' reaction to your desire is particularly negative, not knowing how to get out of having mentioned anything at all.