𝖢𝖮𝖬𝖬𝖴𝖭𝖨𝖢𝖠𝖳𝖨𝖮𝖭 𝖧𝖠𝖢𝖪- 𝖧𝗈𝗐 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋𝖽 🌞
During this time in captivity, we have opportunities.
Practice receiving guidance from your loved ones.
Practice giving it in a way people can hear you.
How does your partner receive your communications around what upsets you, what frustrates you, what you want?
If your partner is DEFENSIVE when you try to communicate, they are communicating they feel under attack in THE WAY you are communicating.
...You can complain about this
...Dream of other partners out there who wouldn’t treat you “this way”
...You can burn up with resentment and convince yourself that your partner should know you better
But these are all lies.
Lies you will tell yourself to bypass doing the work. If it’s not your fault, then everyone else has to change or do the work, not you.
I am not saying you need to take responsibility for other people’s baggage and f’d up behavior. But your work in any f’d up situation is to look at why you are in that situation, what choices led you there, what are you putting up with or enabling in yourself or others that has created an environment where f’d up behavior can occur. No one will do this work for you. Only you can choose what you will allow in your life.
The next step, after figuring out what you don’t like or don’t want to allow in your life, is to figure out what you want INSTEAD of what you don’t want.
We all know what we DON’T want but if you don’t know what you want instead, how the hell is anyone else supposed to figure it out??
Turn the thing you don’t want into a positive actionable thing your partner can do.
Practice HOW to ask for it in a way that doesn’t put the people around you on the defensive.
A quick example:
“You never listen to me”
➡️ Put into an actionable communication, “Sometimes when I share something I’m not sure you heard me... would you be open to sharing what I said back when I finish?”
* Repeat this to them 100 times for a new habit to be formed. Remind them!
“You say you will do things and you never follow through!”
➡️ Put into an actionable communication, “I’m really anxious for this to get done, is there a way I can support you doing this (like reminding you)? Is there a way I can ask you if this has been done that feels ok to you?”
“You never do romantic things for me, other people do romantic things for their partners!”
➡️ First- figure out what romantic things you SPECIFICALLY WANT + make a list. Then put into an actionable communication, “I made a list of romantic things I’d love to do together because it makes me feel happy and loved. Can I share them with you and see which, if any, excite you? Or if you have any ideas?”
* The. be open to input, to co-creation of a new romantic experience from both of you. Also, hang the list on the fridge, somewhere visible, to set your partner up for success (and so you don’t have to remind them).
“Other relationships don’t fight this much”
➡️ I hate this one. Comparing yourself to other people's private life is dumb. You just don’t know what other people’s lives are like. No one is forcing you to fight. Unless you are in a domestic abuse situation (which is a different matter that requires different understanding and strategy), you can leave. The truth is people like fighting. We don’t get many opportunities to unload stress, anger, rage , frustration. When someone physically triggers us, it can feel exhilarating and good to unleash punishment and anger on them. You can also just leave. You can not yell back. You do lot in anyway have to engage with anyone talking to you in a way you do not like. Put into an actionable communication, “I really hate fighting with you, when I feel really triggered or like we’re about to have a blow out I am going to start walking out and giving myself some space. How does that feel to you?”
“My life with (insert dream person/ one that got away/ an ex) would be so much easier and I would never have to feel this” ➡️ This is a lie. You don’t know the truth of where that person is currently in their journey. We are all changing all the time. If you can’t keep up with the person you are currently actively dating. Why would dating someone you know less about be a better relationship. It’s an excuse. This way of thinking allows you to cop out of asking for what you want and being an active co-creater of the life YOU want. It allows you to blame others and sit back and do nothing but pine after some fantasy whilst you are unavailable. Figure out instead WHAT your fantasy is communicating. What is it you want to feel or do that you think this other person would do for you? ASK your partner for those things in a way that doesn’t put them down or communicate they are failing you.
Instead of “Max would always text me in the morning and you never do!!”, which is emasculating and inspires no one to want to do anything for you. ➡️Say instead, “I’d love if we could be more in connection through our mornings, how do you feel about that?”
Please remember that relationships ARE NOT about you bossing another human around. Demanding to be treated how you feel you are entitled to be treated. They are not about you deciding what love is for you, what it looks like, and the specific actions someone will do if they do love you and then imposing those expectations on another person. Another person can love you to the best of their capacity AND you can choose you want something different. But we get into the horrible habit of trying to get what we need by making someone else wrong, by criticizing, comparing, and putting them down. By saying false accusations like “If you REALLY loved me you wouldn’t do ... yada yada yada” (A person can love you and not do what you say.)
Get curious about how you communicate. How people respond to your requests is a reflection for you. It’s a clue to opportunities for you to figure out what’s not working in your communication with someone. If you listen differently, and with enough practice, miscommunication can actually bring you closer to the people you love and the life you want.
I sincerely hope you are doing well during this time. I hope you are taking care of yourself in the best of your capacity, and experiencing as much pleasure where you can find it. Sending you lots of love and care.
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