• jennifer jade merrihue

Kinky sex vs. sloppy boundaries

One time I had sex with a guy I really liked. I mean I really really liked him.


At the time I was into kinkier sex. He could read my body language really well and quickly picked up that I was responding to a more aggressive touch.


The sex we had was a LOT rougher than I was comfortable with and it made me doubt everything I liked about him. Triggered AF, and feeling violated I booked a session with my coach. I was scared about what this meant about this guy, about us, about our relationship. My coach said something that changed me chemically. He said that the guy had done nothing wrong. That I could put that belief down and focus on what’s really important which was the following:



I had let it go way further than I was comfortable with.


I didn’t speak up the SECOND I had doubts.


I didn’t say anything afterwards or ask for any type of after care.


Instead, I silently bared it and then resented him for not reading that.


I have sexual trauma and this was a MONUMENTALLY important lesson I learned from this experience.


No one is responsible for my trauma but me.


In not honoring my own boundaries and speaking up, I actually violated myself THROUGH this person.


And the natural result of doing that unconsciously means I would most likely blame him for the feeling of being violated. Which I did.


If you are feeling violated after a consensual sexual encounter, you can bet your butt it’s because you didn’t honor a boundary in yourself.


I will likely write a post about kink eventually since it was initially what I coached and it’s a GOLDMINE of an industry to examine human behavior.


My deep knowledge of kink specifically came because all of my formative sexual experiences had not been consensual and I had spent a lifetime studying and learning about how my desire was influenced by that.


Now the philosophy is that not all kink comes from Trauma, and there’s truth to that. But a lot of kink does. And mine certainly did.


Since my first encounters had all been non-consensual, my sexual wiring was all types of kinky. My journey through kink went through evolutions. I will break them down below.


There is a HUGE difference between performative kink, unconscious kink, and conscious kink.


One is fun and awesome, one is dangerous, and one is really really empty.


So let’s start:


Performative kink is when you buy all the pretty toys, the rope, the lace, the fire, the cage, whatever you are into and you read a magazine or a blog on the “3 easy steps to be a Dom” and then you go on a dating app and put “Dom” in your description and advertise yourself as one. Then you follow the steps you read in a blog instead of co-creating a uniquely communicated landscape with your Submissive. You make it about you and your ego, instead of about what is true in the moment for you both in what you desire, what feels good today, and what is a no.

Performative sex of any kind is empty. It could be the sexiest layout ever, all the sounds could be right, you could have the most beautiful and expensive toys on the planet- and it can feel like the emptiest most unsatisfying sex on the earth. Even if there are orgasms. Vanilla sex can also be performative (think lying there making noises and thinking about sports or your to-do -list), but we’re talking about kink.


Unconscious Kink is the kind where you have unintegrated trauma and you’re using kink as an outlet and a bypass. Let’s use a Dom/ Sub example here. Let’s say a person is a Dom - if they are enrolling Submissives that are men- while actually hating men, this is unethical and abuse.


If a person is a Submissive and they don’t know what their boundaries are so they’ve enrolled a Dom so that someone else can tell them what to like and what to not like- this can also lead to abusive relationships and lots of unintended, irresponsible, self-inflicted trauma THROUGH someone else.


These two are vague examples, but kink and all sex in general can be a transcendental tool if and when both participants are fully consenting, fully present, fully in the truth of the moment.


If you go on dating apps and you see Doms posting pics of all of their toys, and demanding you act a certain way without you making any agreements to do so, this is performative. If you see a Sub who says they have no needs, no desires, and no boundaries, this too is performative.


This is important because of how many people do end up feeling either empty or violated after experimenting in these arenas.


Any person engaging in sex and in kink is responsible for their own boundaries, desire, and trauma. Someone is not traumatizing you if they trigger something traumatic in you. It might be traumatizing to you, but there is a big difference in that distinction.

In a webinar today, my teacher Perri Chase said something along the lines — if you aren’t able to hold yourself through your sexual trauma, you likely shouldn’t be having sex. (This is paraphrased). And this hit home. I wish I could have quoted this entire webinar “Men who don’t eat pussy”. I wish I could quote this whole webinar, I’ll add a link somewhere as soon as the live stream is available.


Conscious kink is when you’ve done work around all of it. You’re well acquainted with your traumas, what they need if they are triggered, you’re not looking to blame anyone for them. You understand your desires, you understand what you like, what your boundaries are, what you need before, during, and after. You are well versed in your body's responses of “YES” or “NO”. You trust your choice of partners and your internal compass. You trust that if you overstep a boundary (your own or someone else’s), you can communicate around it easily, take responsibility, and clean up. You can play with deep dark energies because you’ve spent the time to get to know them and yourself enough to be trusted.



All this is EXTREMELY important because of the disgustingly inept sexual education we have (or don’t have) in this country. If you have children, children you made with your loins. TEACH THEM ABOUT THEIR SEXUALITY.


The fact that PARENTS are ashamed or embarrassed to talk to their own children about sex NEEDS TO CHANGE.


We can safely judge the Weinsteins of the world and shake our heads at the monstrosity of THEM. But if you are a parent and you haven’t taught your kids to navigate their sexuality, to confidently talk about their sexual desires and boundaries, then you are contributing to them believing that avoidance and NOT communicating is the best approach to sexual development.


Let me tell you something, the clients I work with who waited until marriage to have sex are suffering just as much. If abstinence and shame are what you are cultivating in a child and teenager, THAT’S what they will bring into their sex lives.


If you were brought up with that, and it’s your responsibility to unlearn that shame and teach your kid differently.


If you’re an adult and that’s how you were brought up. I’m sorry. AND now it’s no one's job but your own to unlearn all the garbage and relearn what’s true for you and your unique sexual being.


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