Stream of consciousness
This past month has
Maybe it’s been longer than that
But the days are dissolving into each other.
And through the ebbs and flows of
chaos, adventure, pain, pleasure, resurrection...
I have learned a LOT about myself.
I have a tendency to want to give my energy, attention, and love away to others. Especially when I’m feeling good.
I have horrible judgments about posting sexy things on the internet. Though I’m sure if you look through all my stuff you would think otherwise (because there is so much of it), but I have conditioning pulsing through my veins that tells me that it’s conceited, attention-seeking, bad, unprofessional.
These judgments mean that my happy place is in the shadows- blending in, silent, humble, serene- ineffective, powerless, and complacent.
My grandma told me a quote once that said “well-behaved women rarely make history”, and I couldn’t agree more. . I’m going to keep doing it until it’s no longer triggering or until the world has changed enough that it accepts that a woman gets to choose what her body communicates NOT the persons responding to her.
I am still attracting people who want my attention, love, advice for free. And who get angry + insulted at the suggestion to pay for it. Even though this is my life, my job, my reason to be on this planet. And I’m upfront about what I do, my pricing, and what I can/ would love to offer them.
I still take it very personally when someone responds like this.
I feel I’ve done something horrible to that person. I feel as though I’ve wronged a human. I feel as though their rage is my responsibility- even when it is very clearly not. My inner gremlin who wants to fix everything and make sure I never ever hurt or make anyone uncomfortable gets a shot of righteous adrenaline and attempts to guilt me back into the shadows.
I learned that sometimes self-care is NOT doing my morning routine for 4 days.
I learned that self-care can also feel like eating vegan cheetohs for breakfast and pizza for dinner and knowing that I get to decide what this means and still be a healthy bitch.
I learned that no matter how intense a feeling of anxiety, pain, grief, or sadness, it is so quickly soothed by a warm shower, a good meal, a night's rest, connecting with people I love.
And even though I know this, I’m shocked 100% of the time and it takes me a WHILE to do these simple things when I should.
I learned that when I’m going through it I still have momentary amnesia and believe that this chaos is my new normal.
I also learned that all the coaching and work I’ve done on myself has clearly paid off.
That my body has now grown accustomed to this ridiculous selective-amnesia-cycle and just lets me TRUST myself AS I doubt the whole world.
I learned that I can drink a few nights in a row, I can eat garbage, and I can relax knowing that I have a life-style I adore that is easy and allows for this freedom to ebb and flow through health and pleasure as things come up. (So another new example of my being able to trust myself again!!)
There’s a pretty solid underlying belief now that I can trust life and that there is nothing I can’t handle, or that can’t be made just a little bit better with sparkly drinks, friends, puppies, soft things, escapades into nature, and candles. (More trust that I now know what works for me specifically).
This time last year I was nowhere near this place. Many side hustles. Stressed. Burnt out. Still lived in the shadows. Still being politically correct, behaving properly and “professionally”, still building a business on what it SHOULD look like and strategy, still trying to guess what people wanted to read and catering to that, still looking for outside guidance to help tell me what the rest of my life should/could look like.
And though there is a time and place for that outside guidance- it can be (and it was for me) an immense lack of trust in myself, in what I wanted, in how I felt in my bones life COULD be but denied and fought with all my intellectualized evidence.
I’m here hoping to serve as a living example that your life can change in 3 months. That you can live in a radically different dimension in less than a year.
That you can still be messy, unsure, living through chaos, AND killing it at what you do, experiencing pleasure, enjoying the shiza out of your life, and finding it just a little bit hilarious.